Quite a while ago I read an article about how dogs tell you they love you. Um who told that writer what those ways are? Did someone go to the local dog park and ask the question (to the dogs), “How do you tell your people you love them?” Has technology advanced to the point of animals talking to us? That just doesn’t seem possible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about technology and how it makes things possible. I mean, I love that, due to Face Time, I can talk face-to-face with someone who is on the other side of the world. I think the fact that I can take a picture and post it on Facebook for an audience that I choose, whether that’s 5 or 5,000 people, all within 60 seconds, is freakin’ amazing. I don’t know that I like the objects that know what I’m saying though. You know, Seri, Alexa, and the MapQuest lady? Yea they freak me out. How do they know what I’m saying? Where I’m at? How is it possible that they understand me when I ask who sings a song or where the nearest Costco is? And the MapQuest lady is relentless. I mean, make a U-turn or alter your route just a bit and she freaks! I keep waiting for her to yell something like, “Hey dumbass! I mapped out exactly what you asked me to. I put the blue road in the picture so even you can follow it. I tell you over and over when to turn and in how many feet but you go your own way and then expect me to reconfigure and go your way.” It freaks me out enough when SHE talks to me; I know I can’t handle my dogs talking to me.
Back to it. Dogs “saying” I love you to people. One way this happens is when they want to sit close to you. Aww doesn’t that sound sweet? So here’s what happens at my house when sweetness occurs. I’m on the sofa and Ryder (140 pound English Mastiff) walks, not jumps, walks up on the sofa and sits next to me. I say “next to me” because technically he’s not in my lap but we are touching. However, he’s so ginormous and so unaware of his ginormousness that when he sits almost or barely touching me, two things happen. The first being that he’s now so close that if I look at him, I’m going to be looking down his nostrils. Not a big deal I know. The second thing that’s going to happen is that when he sits there, he’s so heavy that he dips the sofa cushion to the point of making me feel like a Weeble. I try so hard to stay centered but it can’t be helped. No matter what I do, I fall into him. I look like Bambi trying to stay upright on the ice-not at all graceful but quite laughable.
Ok so now we have the two “what’s going to happen because I love you” situations with Ryder. Additionally, when either or both of these things happen they will always be followed by the “I love you so much face lick.” That sounds super sweet huh? I mean how adorable is it that he just wants so give me “kisses?” ZERO. It is ZERO adorable. He doesn’t just get you on your cheek. No. He gets you on, in, and around the face. Yup! I don’t even know how it’s possible for it to happen but trust me, it does. Now if you’re unfortunate enough to have your mouth open even a smidge then you can be assured that part of the tongue is hitting your teeth. I know, I know you’ll just make sure you pay attention to him. Good luck with that because, you have to put all of the stuff I just explained, together. It went something like this: I’m minding my own business while sitting on the sofa. Ryder walks up on the sofa to say I love you. He gets too close and everything dips to the side and I fall over like a baby sitting up for the first time. As I’m freefalling towards Ryder I look at him and he immediately licks my entire face, part of my ear, and the roof of my mouth all at once. I can’t stop it because I’m mid-topple. Now tell me this; am I supposed to simultaneously push myself back up, wipe my face, clean out my ear, try not to think about the last thing he ate before he put his tongue in my mouth, and simply say, “Oh thanks. I love you too?” Consider it done.