Mom said I could write you a letter because I keep telling her how much I miss you. She told me she could tell that I’m sad. She’s so smart; of course she said I had to write that! Mom said you went to a place for dogs called the rainbow bridge. I have no clue what that is. Mom said it’s like a dream fantasy place that is really fun. I told her I wanted to go but she said once you go there, you can’t come back. It’s a place where you go when you’re sick and can’t get better, or you go there when you’re tired of being sick and it’s too hard to fight. Or like you; where you go there unexpectedly during surgery. She said that when you get there, you’re better. Is that what happened Jax? You went to the doctor place and never came home. Where you just too tired to fight being sick and decided the bridge was better? Everyone says the same thing…he was so young. If you were too young then why couldn’t you come back? Why didn’t you come home? I didn’t even get to say good-bye. Mom said it was unexpected but I don’t really understand what that is. I’m guessing it has something to do with the doctor having a plan and the plan broke. I heard something like that. I just know that mom was crying hard when she came home from the vet office place. She still cries a lot and says it’s not fair because you’re only two and also, she didn’t get to say good-bye either. I do know that dad put your collar on the, “the ones we’ve lost” tree in the yard. Now there are four collars on there. I wish yours wasn’t there. I miss you.
So you’ve got to tell me about this rainbow place. Are there flowers there that you can eat? I bet there’s tons of cool grass huh? Do you have your own big people bed? Do you fart without someone saying, “Who was that?” Do you get to eat the stuffing out of all the toys? Does anyone stick that temperature thing in your butt? Do you get treats and stick things? Do you still have to “wait” for your food or do you get to eat whenever you want? Is the weather cooler than two miles south of hell where mom says we live? Do you get to play with the hose whenever you want? Do you have to get a bath? Are there big cookies there? Do you get to eat that chocolate stuff that mom loves but we can’t have because it’s “bad for us?” I’m not sure that’s even a thing honestly. Does anyone make “bat ears” on you? I just hate that. Why do they think it’s so funny? I bet there are sofas all over the place that you can lay on huh? Do you get to bark at animals on the television? Have you seen our brother Benson? You have to find him. Mom says he’s there too and you guys will have fun together. He’s that ginormous Saint Bernard guy we’ve seen in pictures. DUDE! I bet it’s ok to eat poop there huh? That’d be cool. Please don’t tell anyone I said that. I miss you.
We still have Ruby and Diamond, the foster girls that were really sick. They’re better and someone said they’re up for adoption. No clue. They do get to be all the way in the house now rather than in their room all the time. It’s funner when they’re inside. Not a lot but some. Get this though! Now we have more of those foster kids. Yeah I know. Mom calls them abandon. I don’t think that’s their name. I think it’s actually Ebby and Cammy and puppies. Now this is what I hear, pay attention, Cammy is the mom for everyone. Ebby is the big sister of the puppies and the puppies are, well, just puppies. It’s sad cause the three puppies don’t have a dad. Well, I mean they have a dad. Everyone has a dad but he isn’t with them or he isn’t anywhere I guess. I feel bad for them. It’s good that they have mom and dad to take care of them. Cammy and Ebby are little as in littler than the normal Chihuahua dogs we’ve seen. Then the puppies are super little. I mean, I’ve had poop piles that were bigger than them; A LOT of poop piles. What? It’s not like I’m going to go tell them, “Hey my poop is bigger than you are.” I mean that’s just bragging and I don’t do that. I miss you.
It’s boring without you here. I get sad a lot too. I feel like I have a hole in my heart now. I try not to mope but some days it’s pretty hard to hide it. Since you’re gone, I had to step up to your position and I really don’t like being the big brother. Just because I’m the biggest doesn’t mean I should have to do it. I’m only ONE! I mean Blaze is like 105 years old but he gets to be “the old man.” He has no responsibility whatsoever! I don’t want responsibility either. That gets you in trouble. And now it’s only me and Blaze and the girls. So I’m stuck. I gotta tell you something though. I’m scared to be the tough one. Dude do not tell anyone I said that. Please! I wish you’d come back home. No one wants to really play. I mean Zoey plays a little with me but geez, I never know if she wants to play or just eat my face off. She is that moody stuff I’ve heard about. I play with Crispie and she will play back for a little while but then mom makes us stop because she’s old. Crispie! Crispie is old NOT mom. Oh my gosh that could’ve been bad. You know Blaze, he’s weird, old and just doesn’t play. I play a little with Ruby but she kind of doesn’t know how to play which I think is weird but, mom said some dogs don’t have the life we have. Like they don’t get to have fun, play, be inside and outside, have toys and all that stuff. Dude that would suck right? I know! No one will really play tug-of-war with me like you always did. Dad plays some but none of the other kids do. Even the grass circle has grown back. You know! The spot in the middle of the yard that was always dead grass cause that’s where we wrestled? Yea that spot. Well it’s green now. It makes me really sad when I look at it. Sometimes I go lay in that spot. I think mom and dad know why I do it but no one else does. Most of the time, it makes mom and me cry. She said it’s like the dead grass was your sickness and now the green is you healthy. I don’t know about all of that, I just know I miss you.
Since you’ve been gone, I have to share the sofa with Blaze now and dude he farts constantly. I didn’t think a dog fart could bother a dog but holy crap it does; like a lot. He makes my eyes water. It’s gross. One time he gave me a headache! I’m so glad my farts aren’t stinky. Yea I know, I’m laughing too.
Jax, I just really miss you. When I got here I was super little and you took care of me and let me bug you and jump on you. I remember stepping on your head a lot; it was funny. For me. I knew we’d be the best brothers ever. Mom used to call us thunder buddies like from that movie with the bear; remember? I knew from the beginning that you’d take care of me, help me, teach me, all that stuff. Now you’re gone. I thought I’d be ok by now. I’m not ok. I know I will be and mom keeps telling me that I can’t rush feelings. She says some things that I’m just like, “What?” I think I know what she means though. No, no I don’t know. I just know I’m sad; she’s right about that. Everyone is sad. And everyone keeps calling me Jax. Mom, dad, Bobby, Alex, Uncle Bill, everyone. I think it’s because they miss you and I remind them of you. I’m ok with that. Everything seems different now. It seems wrong in a way. I still look for you at times. I swear that sometimes I see you out of the corner of my eye, like you’re watching after me. I sometimes think I hear you bark, like you’re letting me know you’re around. I mostly just figured it was the wind but now I’m not so sure. If you could kind of stop doing that stuff I’d appreciate it because you’re kind of freaking me out.
I know I whined a lot in my letter but, well, come on…I’m only one I still get to whine. I love you Jax and I wish you were here.
Love your little brother. Love your thunder buddy. Love your Ryder.