I was scrolling on Facebook (FB) a few days ago and because I have so much dog rescue stuff going on, Facebook thinks it knows me and what I might like. You know how Google guesses what you’re going to type? Yea, that’s what FB does for me, as I’m sure it does for everyone. I don’t know about you, but Google is much better at guessing than FB is. FB gets close, I’ll give it that. It kind of makes me mad sometimes because it constantly gives me “suggestions” for dog training! I get it, our dogs need to be trained. You don’t have to tell me 100 times. You know, say it once and move on. Now before I can continue I’m putting out a disclaimer: If you own any of the following products, I am not necessarily calling you weird. Who am I kidding? I’m absolutely calling you weird. In fact, with some of the products I’m not only calling you weird, I’m calling you freaky too. Anyway, on Friday, I had a new suggestion on my page for a product I might like. It was for a dog high-chair. Yea I know, I couldn’t believe it either. Once I saw it, I got very curious about what other weird things I could find. Let me tell you, I found a lot of stuff. Some things I think I can safely say, “You will NOT believe,” and of course I’m going to share them with you!
I’ll start with the high-chair. In the advertisement, a selling point to the consumer is that the chair is fantastic for many reasons one being that it offers an alternate solution to having a lap dog. Another great thing the high-chair does is promotes better behavior. On both of these points, the marketing team is completely accurate. They aren’t accurate because these are truly terrific features of the chair. No. In reality, they are not features at all. But…the dog won’t be a lap dog and the dog will have better behavior if you use this chair. How so? The dog is strapped into a freakin’ chair that is then hooked on to a table while they are made to sit like a person which in reality they aren’t equipped to do. So yea, shove your dog in this contraption and watch the poor thing conform. Seriously! Via-Hammacher Schlemmer.
This next product is a must have, or so I’ve read. It is perfume for dogs. Why have I not invented this? I have six resident dogs, I have two foster dogs, and I didn’t think of this? WTH is wrong with me right? It’s such an obvious money maker (well of course that’s sarcasm). So this fantabulous perfume is called Sexy Beast Dog Perfume. As you can see, the box is shaped like an elegant bone (yes I’m laughing) and states, “Canine Style Unleashed.” It also says UNISEX EAU DE PERFUME and it is $70 for 1.4 ounces. I so need a box or two or twelve of this stuff. Via-Natural Pets
Here’s a very interesting item I found, it’s the Bow-Lingual. Yea, I was curious too. This is a system that includes a dog collar that has a sensor on it and then the owner has a monitor. The collar interprets the dogs bark and the monitor display tells what that interpretation is. It then puts a “face” (think emoji) on the screen that shows the dog is happy, sad, concerned, stressed; you get the idea. It also provides a sentence on the monitor screen of what your dog would say, about his emotions at that point, if he could speak to you. I absolutely am not saying I am smarter than the company who created this umm, interesting product; however, I believe I am a great judge when it comes to deciding what my dogs’ barks means. I also am pretty darn good at figuring out what they want to say to me at any given point. Jax often wants to tell me that Ryder is a pain in his ass. Zoey would like to share that she’s smarter than I am. Crispie thinks I need to know that she thinks I’m even dumber than Blaze. It’s actually pretty simple to interpret their thoughts. Maybe other people can benefit from this product but I’m thinking we’re good. Image-DPlus Magazine.
Just to give you a heads up, I’m actually showing you the least weird products I found. Meaning, I’m saving the seriously insane ones for later!
So I know people use strollers, small carriers, and purses to carry their mini-dogs. People dress their dogs not just on Halloween and not just to keep them warm, but to actually dress them up. People buy pretty collars and leashes. Get their dogs hair colored for fun. And I’m sure many other things that I haven’t mentioned. One of those being, that people buy their dog jewelry. I’m serious. I don’t mean “props” to go with Halloween costumes. No. I am talking about the real stuff. Stuff that you won’t find at Target or Ross. Hell, you might not even find it at stores like Nordstrom. There’s a Swarovski Crystal Dog Collar necklace for $155 and no, it’s not going to fit my 170 pound Jax; it might fit my 12 pound Shelby. They also offer an Oscar Newman Pretty in Pink pearl necklace and it is only $83.95; again a very small size for that price. This next piece is just, well, to me it’s ugly. It’s a Louisdog Crystal Magic Necklace that’s $86. Now, if I’m buying jewelry for my dog-you have my permission to Tase me and take me to the nearest mental health ward. No seriously, if I’m buying jewelry for my dog, I’d be embarrassed to buy this last necklace because there are many others that are much classier looking. I’m just thinking here, I don’t know that dog jewelry can actually be “classy” but you get the idea. Via: funnyfur.com.
Picture this: There’s a clear plastic dome that gets attached to a fence, wall, or whatever. It gets attached over an open hole. So you have a plastic bubble looking thing. A hole in a fence. The bubble thing goes over the hole; on the outside. When you’re done with that, your dog now has a port hole so-to-speak. You do this for your dog so that he can see through the fence. He can look through his Pet Peek Fence Window. Every dog needs a window like this. Surely they have people and things they want to see but aren’t able to. I mean, what about the hot Retriever girl that just moved in? Rover is going to want to see what she’s up to. Maybe he really enjoys watching the sun set and now he’ll be able to catch those. With his window bubble he can see so much more of the world. Image-Pet Peek.
These next items take us to a whole new level of weird. Actually some of the things are not on any level that I have. Or that anyone I know has. Or that I’ve ever seen before. Or that I’ve ever been told about. Ok so just beware and trust me, you will know the ones I’m talking about; of that I am certain!
Here we go: NEW LEVELS OF WEIRD.
This product is really simple. Weird but simple. It’s a bum hole-cover. Yup, it covers your dog’s rear end hole. Yes, you really did just read that and no it doesn’t make sense to me either. Why do I need to cover my dogs poop chute? Everyone has them; dogs, cats, horses, cows, even humans. It’s not like it’s a secret so why do we need to act like it’s one by covering it up? Now I do realize that the human model of these, needs to be covered. No one wants to go around seeing other peoples’ hinny hole. But we’re talking animals. We’re talking dogs. Really? I seriously just don’t get it. Anyway, let me explain this “cover” concept. You know how when you buy a gift bag you can get the ones that have little cards attached to them? Usually the card is blank and the outside of it matches the bag? Well, this “cover” thing is about the size of one of those cards. There are a lot of designs to choose from but my favorite is the “70s flower.” So, if your gift bag is decorated in the 1970’s hippy kind of style then this hole-cover actually could be the card because there’s one they show in an ad that’s the shape of a flower. Like the flowers you see on pretty much any 1970’s deco. So yea, you can take this brightly covered flower shape and hang it on your dog’s tail, right up against the rear end; synch the string around the tail and it then naturally hangs to cover the bum hole area. Via: rear gear.
I found a product that I’m guessing, gets purchased but I just cannot see any of our dogs allowing us to make them use it. In fact, I can see every single one of them rolling on the ground laughing if we even showed it to them. It’s the Poo Trap. This is a bag that goes over the bum hole so that any poo will go into the bag. Yes, the idea is great. I mean if you live in an apartment, it is pouring rain, your dog goes outside and poops, you’d normally need to clean it up. However, with the Poo Trap you’re good to go. How does it work you ask? Let me explain. This “trap” actually looks like a trap. It’s a walking harness on steroids. It has the same straps and back hook as a walking harness, BUT, this trap looks more complicated than a skydiving parachute. It has straps going in what looks like all directions. It has clasps and hooks on each of those straps. Then the bag has to get hooked up. It looks like the user should have to take a test prior to purchasing this product and again prior to using it. Additionally, there’s definitely a “bag limit.” What I mean is the bags that come with this item are not a one size fits all. Sure, the bag would work great for our Labs, the Pits, and the Chihuahua. There’s no way in hell those bags are going to work for our Saint Bernard and our Mastiffs even on a “light” day. They’d need grocery sized bags or each session would consist of more than one bag. Let’s be honest, it’d be more than three bags. Even so, that obviously isn’t an option because that would mean changing bags mid-load and that’s not happening! So I definitely think there needs to be a size limit on the box for the Poo Trap. Via-The Poo Trap.
Dog thong! That gets your attention am I right? It sure got mine. Yes, this is 100% as ridiculous as it sounds. It looks 200% more ridiculous than that. When I saw this product, I seriously thought it was a joke. Like maybe it was making fun of some other type of product but nope, it’s real! A dog thong. Just stay where you are because this gets even more unbelievable. I know that sounds impossible but it’s not-I promise. The dog thong is made of charcoal cloth which neutralizes odors. Or, as the ad states, it neutralizes any anally-emitted odors. Why can’t they just say fart? Eliminates farts. Isn’t that so much easier than anally-emitted? No matter…really? The only thing that is going to neutralize Jax’s anally-emitted odors is keeping him in a triple sealed bio chamber. And quite honestly I’m not even sure that’s going to work. I can tell you though that I have zero confidence that a thong made of anything will help him. Maybe if we combine the thong with the bum hole cover but instead of a picture of a 1970’s flower, we use actual flowers. Like a dozen hooked on the thong where the cover goes. Well, I’m thinking that we probably should use more flowers; let’s go with three dozen; hmm no four, four dozen should do it. Yes, four dozen flowers hooked to Jax’s thong to help eliminate his anally-emitted odors or as I call them, farts and to cover his bum hole! Perfect. Via-Dog Notebook.
The last two products I have are actually in the, “I don’t believe that’s real,” category. I assure you that they are. I did some research to make sure because I was positive they were a joke. No such luck!
Not only did I think this was a joke but I really hoped it was a joke! I did a lot of checking and rechecking because I literally could not believe it was a real thing. I’m not going to get too detailed for obvious reasons. The name of the product is Hot Doll Sex Toy, and yes, it’s for dogs. I swear. The company is proud that this is the first product of its type and states that, “It makes a great decoration.” And just an FYI this doll has all the “areas” that a live dog would have. Now come on! Are you freakin’ kidding me? A decoration? A “companion” for my dog? Who the hell thinks of this stuff? Did this happen at the morning business meeting? Then everyone else said, “Holy crap Don, that’s a great idea.” Doesn’t this make you wonder who is involved in such stuff? I try so hard not to picture it.
Lastly, there are Neuticles. That word is a combination of neutered and testicles. Yup, Neuticles. Neuticles are sort of like stones (stop laughing) that are testicular implants for dogs. Yes, seriously! Why would a dog need testicular implants after he’s neutered? Well to “give the dog back the confidence he lost,” after the neutering of course! Oh yea, it’s real. You see this way, the dog cannot reproduce but he doesn’t lose his manliness as well. Pricing for Neuticles is broken down per each or as a pair and varies with size. There are many sizes available. I’ve only noted the smallest and largest:
XXSmall for 3 pound to 10 pound dogs = $279 each or $399 pair
XXLarge for 140 pound to 190 pound dogs = $349 each or $469 pair.
If all of that doesn’t make you instantly want to get your dog implants then I guarantee that this next bit of information with convince you. Kim Kardashian had Neuticles done on the family dog so of course you want to run right out and get them for yours right? Is that fact supposed to make me want to get Jax and Ryder Neuticles? Why? Why? Why would anyone do such a thing to their dog? I don’t know that there’s a “good” answer to why? Nope. Not a good answer, not a bad answer; not one answer at all. Via-Neuticles
I don’t know who buys these products but obviously someone does or they wouldn’t exist. What I do know is that there are many levels of weird when it comes to dog items. I’m saying there’s a scale of 1 to 10 and I’ve found some items on total opposite ends of that scale. I had NO clue some of the things I mentioned even existed. In all honesty, I wish some of the things I mentioned didn’t exist.