Marc and I are movie junkies. To say we have no life is an understatement, just ask our kids. We watch all kinds of movies. Everything from sappy romances to Sci-Fi but no horror. Marc loves that scary stuff but not me, I can’t even be in the same room while a horror movie is playing. Can you say nightmares? I should probably clarify that I do not watch Sci-Fi. Actually I can’t stand Sci-Fi but Marc loves it. So, I sit with him and read while he watches it; because I’m just awesome like that (yes of course that was sarcastic). Anyway, I was recently watching The Proposal and as I watched Andrew (Ryan Reynolds) go through the endless crap he gets from Margaret (Sandra Bullock), I realized Jax was a lot like him if Ryder was Margaret. That got me thinking about what characters each of our dogs mirror. You guessed it, that’s what I’ll be writing about. Aren’t you lucky? The correct answer is, yes, yes you are.
Let’s start with Jax. His first movie character is George Clooney in Oceans 11. Clooney is handsome and mysterious, has loyal friends, can be reserved at times, wants to be loved, and he’s smart. Then there’s Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits. Justin’s character is easy going, loving, funny, creative, and can be a goofball. Yup, that’s Jax. On to Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal. First I must say, yummy about Ryan. He’s just so gorgeous. His character takes a lot of crap but doesn’t really say anything, he’s funny, he’s determined, oh yea, and remember he’s super handsome. Lastly, Patrick Dempsey in Sweet Home Alabama. I love that movie. Dempsey’s character is, well, again super handsome, everyone loves him, he’s very trusting, popular, and caring and he’s really nice to look at. Those four amazing guys are Jax. Or Jax is them. The only thing is that none of those characters slime the people around them. I don’t remember any of them biting their toe nails. They don’t burp up their food onto the floor. Come to think of it, none of them sharted in their movie either. Hmm. Did they clear any rooms with their farts? I really don’t think so. All that aside, Clooney, Timberlake, Reynolds, and Dempsey are amazing characters. Can you say wow? Go Jax!
Ryder was the easiest to match up with characters because his personality is kind of all over the place, but in a good way. He’s also an English Mastiff and that should explain his personality. Then add the fact that he’s a puppy onto that and I’ll tell you what you get. Jason Bateman in The Change-Up. He seems a little um, dense I guess is the correct word. I didn’t say Ryder was dense. You did not read those words. Did I imply it? No way am I gonna answer that. Bateman is also funny, a bit needy, a good friend, and he likes to party. Yes Ryder fits that description. Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man. I may be reaching here because I’m in love with him and the movie but, he’s cocky, possessive, handsome, and bold; as is Ryder. The very handsome Mark Wahlberg (another love of mine) in 2 Guns because, well, he’s extremely handsome, funny, he’s handsome, likes to joke around, he’s handsome, he’s smart, he’s handsome, and takes risks and he’s handsome. Did I mention that he’s handsome? He really is. Then there’s Tom Cruise in Knight and Day. He’s spontaneous, adventurous, kicked back, and protective. Plus he too is handsome. Not as handsome as Mark Wahlberg but still. And finally, Steve Carrel in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Funny movie! His character is naïve, innocent, very nice, friendly, and caring. I think these characters are a pretty good combination of who Ryder is. He has a few behaviors though, that I can say with certainty that none of the human characters have. The most obvious is randomly sticking his head in someone’s butt. Sometimes it happens simply because he tailgates you when you’re walking. Either way, it’s not polite. Then there’s his love of a good butt scratching. I mean I wouldn’t mind scratching, say uh, Mark Wahlberg’s butt if he enjoyed it too but I’m thinking that’s not a favorite pastime for him like it is for Ryder. I’m guessing his movie characters don’t obsess crazily over the hose and try to bite the water or chase the stream of it around the yard while jumping in the air after it. However, it’d be hilarious if they did. I will say that if Mark Wahlberg wanted to play in the water, I would definitely help him dry off. What? I’m a good hostess so of course I’d help my guest. So Ryder also does a sneak attack which ends in him licking your entire face; usually while your mouth is open. I wonder if I could get away with licking Mark Wahlberg’s face. Hmm; interesting. Oh uh right, so basically, if you ignore those last few things, Ryder’s the perfect mixture of Jason Bateman, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Wahlberg (FYI: He’s super handsome), Tom Cruise, and Steve Carrel. I’m saying that’s one hell of a nice group to be like because I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not but Mark Wahlberg is so very handsome.
Zoey is my Saint Bernard grand-dog. She probably has the most concise list because each of her movie characters share many of the same traits. First there’s Sandra Bullock (Marc’s movie love) in The Proposal. I’ve actually made a deal with Marc that he can have Sandra Bullock if I can have Ryan Reynolds; we’ve agreed to that. Now, Bullock’s character is uptight, bossy, controlling, pretty, and smart, but learns to have fun. Next there’s Mila Kunis in Friends with Benefits. She too is a love of Marc’s. He thinks I don’t see him totally focused on the TV when her sexy Jim Beam commercial comes on. Mila is beautiful; obviously. She’s also straight forward, adventurous, intelligent, a bit mooshy, and a hard ass. That is definitely Zoey! Another great character match-up for Zoey is Scarlett Johansson in Lucy. Picture this, as I told you earlier Marc loves Sci-Fi and Marc also loves Scarlett Johansson. In Lucy, he gets both. What a treat for him! Ok, Johansson’s character is a major badass, strong, extremely smart, focused, and a loner. Lastly there’s Katherine Heigl in The Ugly Truth. She’s determined, efficient, does not like change, needs to stay in control, and she too is focused. Let’s recap: I have uptight, bossy, controlling, pretty, smart, straight forward, adventurous, mooshy, badass, independent, focused, strong, determined, fun, a hard ass, a loner, and these ladies aren’t fans of change. The traits from each of those movie characters are absolutely Zoey. I don’t think Zoey has a lot of differences though. Some assumptions here are that none of those actresses sleep upside down with their legs and arms up in the air. I’m doubting that they obsess about tennis balls and have one (or two) in their mouth more often than not. Something else I believe I can confidently say the actresses don’t do is run up and down their yard barking nonstop-literally-at two tortoises that they cannot get to. Lastly, I’m going to guess that they don’t hump their female friends right in front of God and everybody. Ok, so maybe Zoey isn’t exactly like the characters I described but she definitely has the same traits and like the boys, she’s got quite the group of actresses that she’s similar to. I mean, Sandra Bullock, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, and Katherine Heigl? Yea I’d like to be even a little bit like them. Any of them. Just like, a molecular amount of one of them.
Crispie and Zoey have similar traits but I had no problem finding different movie characters for each of them. Like with Zoey, I chose a Sandra Bullock character for Crispie as well. But, for Crispie it’s Bullock’s character in The Blind Side. She’s in charge of all things, beautiful, controlling, determined, smart, and loving. I just realized, it’s no wonder Marc married me; Sandra and I have a great deal in common. I know, I know, I’m laughing too. The next character is Cameron Diaz in The Other Woman. She’s smart, controlled, independent, caring, and she’s a hard ass. I’m telling you, that is so Crispie; but that’s not all. Jennifer Aniston in Horrible Bosses. If you’ve seen the movie you’re probably wondering how the hell that could be Crispie; I know I get it. Remember though, I’m looking at traits not actions thankfully. However, Crispie does try humping people at times like Jennifer’s character does. Her character is also adventurous and bold (that’s putting it mildly), takes no crap from anyone, which in turn gets her whatever she wants. Meryl Streep’s character in The Devil Wears Prada is most definitely Crispie. Her character is always in charge, demanding, often inconsiderate, snooty, and well, there’s really no nice way to say this but uh, she’s a bitch. That’s my grand-dog! One last character for Crispie is Angelina Jolie in SALT. She is Marc’s all-time favorite fantasy wife. I don’t understand why though. I mean she’s gorgeous, her lips are sexy, her body is perfect, her eyes have that sensual thing going on, she’s almost Saintly with all the charity stuff she does, and she’s Laura Croft, I mean who would want such a creature right? Her character is intelligent, inventive, independent, strong, and the most badass of all badasses. What gorgeous and strong characters to “be like.” Bullock, Diaz, Aniston, Streep, and Jolie. Oh paleez; I’m so not jealous. Not at all. Why would I be? Of course I’m not.
Blaze was definitely the most difficult to match-up with movie characters. He’s got that distinguished older guy thing going on but I was finally able to find his movie guys. Steve Carell in Crazy, Stupid Love. He’s easy going to a fault, so naïve, doesn’t stray from the norm, can be very anxious, and is a follower. That is such an accurate description of Blaze! Robin Williams in Goodwill Hunting. He’s smart, reserved, low maintenance, caring, and funny. Another Blaze character is Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. He’s handsome, very kind and considerate, quiet, mellow, and of course funny. Lastly, there’s Morgan Freeman in The Bucket List. He is such a nice person, loving, loyal, caring, reserved, proper, and accommodating. Like the others, there are some things Blaze does that I’m positive his characters don’t do. For instance, I’m thinking that none of them get the walking farts at all, whereas Blaze gets them often! He also sucks on and incessantly licks Crispie’s ears until they are soggy; it’s gross. Blaze has a really bad habit of chewing on himself. He will gnaw and lick his hip and rear area so badly, that he gives himself hot spots. (That’s when the hair is completely gone and the skin turns tomato red from licking and chewing). Anyway, he’s done this for a couple years now. When he first started doing it, we took him to the vet, assuming it was allergies. It turned out that he chews on his hips and rear end because he has another issue. His anal glands get clogged and need to be emptied. Yea, that’s a special kind of visual huh? So yes, I can say with absolute confidence that none of the characters have that problem. Poor Blaze. He would just die if he knew I was telling you this. I mean no one wants to have their anal glands discussed with strangers. In reality no one wants to even hear about anal glands. Are you sufficiently grossed out? Perfect; mission accomplished.
Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Ryan Reynolds, Steve Carell, Sandra Bullock, Mark Wahlberg, Cameron Diaz, George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Tom Cruise, Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl, Robin Williams, Morgan Freedman, Robert Downey Jr., Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Scarlet Johansson, Hugh Grant, and Jason Bateman, what an incredible cast of characters. And to think they all sort of live in our house, lick my face, sleep in our bed, drool on us, bark loudly, shed like crazy, crop dust me with their farts, take over the sofa, and love us. I can’t ask for more than that. Except Mark Wahlberg, I can ask for Mark Wahlberg.