I’m with our dogs every day. I’m at home pretty much all the time. Ok, ok, I get it, I don’t have a life. Moving on, being with them so much gives me a whole lot of time to observe them and their behaviors. I get to see how they play together, alone, and interact with me. They are so funny, happy, loving, not always geniuses, and other times smarter than I would ever have guessed. I see them be goofy, clingy, aloof, grumpy, happy, and lazy; all the same things they see in me. I can admit that attitudes can be mutual between them and me. Obviously behaviors can’t be. I mean let’s be honest, some of their behaviors would get them arrested if they were actually human.
Picture this: Jax is a 6’2” guy. He’s crazy handsome. He wears the best suits and ties Gucci has to offer. His Rolex is one of twenty ever made in that model. He drives a red and black Lamborghini Aventador that he paid cash for. He doesn’t act rich though. He’s down to earth, he volunteers at the local animal shelter, builds homes with Habitat for Humanity, and donates money to the Children’s Hospital. He wants to do more though. As he sits at a local café he researches the building and zoning ordinances for shelters, hospitals, animal rescues, cancer foundations, and the need for underprivileged schools. Deep in thought he smiles at the small child nearby and sticks his nose in the crotch of the man at the next table. He gets up and walks to the server and sticks his nose in her butt. Not to sniff. No, he’s just saying hello. He simply goes up to the person, puts his nose in their rear or crotch and lifts his head a bit. He then turns to an elderly couple and licks each on the face. As he goes back to his seat he finds a few more butts to check out and licks one more person. Once back in his chair, he leans back and slowly lifts his left leg and starts biting his toe nails. He doesn’t understand why everyone is weirding out, telling him he’s disgusting, and asking him to leave. He does these things at home all the time and no one says a word. Yea, that would get him arrested.
Picture this: Ryder is a handsome 30-something guy. He’s not going to be in GQ but he also won’t be on the next People of Walmart video. He’s not out to impress anyone but he dresses nicely, has that mildly messy hairstyle, and does what he can for others. He’s a loyal friend, a reliable and hardworking employee, loves his middle level IT job, and likes hanging out with friends at the sports bar on the corner. He meets up with his group on Friday for beer and wings. As Tom is talking, Ryder licks Tom’s mouth. Not a kiss, just starts licking the corners of it. Then Ryder goes to Jim and does the same. He walks over to Sara who looks to be drooling so he sucks the drool up prior to licking the corners of her mouth. Again, not kissing each person just um, helping them by cleaning their face I guess you’d say. Like Jax, he doesn’t understand why Tom, Jim, and Sara are freaking out. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was actually helping them. So he leaves and stops at the coffee shop for a cappuccino. He sees some friends of friends but they aren’t paying attention to him. To get their attention, he walks over to them and slams his head into one of them. Then he does it to the other one. Neither one says a word. They just look at him while they’re holding their heads that are aching. They stand up and still no words. So, with nothing else to do, Ryder head butts them again. Now they are really mad. The manager has come over and told him to leave. He just doesn’t get it. He does it at home to his pack members all the time to get them to play and they’re all good with it. Yea, that would get him arrested.
Picture this: Blaze is a very distinguished man in his early 50’s. Attractive and confident but in a laid back way. He’s done well in life and truly enjoys each day. He has a group that he’s grown up with that he’s really fond of but Crispie is his one and only love. She doesn’t really feel the same level of love but she definitely enjoys his company when she feels like it. Blaze hangs around with all his friends but stays closest to Crispie with the hope that someday he will get an opportunity to be the man in her life. As Blaze and his friends are gathered for brunch, he sits next to Crispie and simply keeps an eye on her. As they are all chatting there’s some laughter here and there due to stories being told from back when. Suddenly Blaze starts licking Crispie’s ear. Not only is he licking inside her ear, he’s sucking on her ear. She likes it and lets him do it. It’s not a sexual behavior, it’s friendly. You know, “Hey, I’ll lick your ear for you.” That type of thing. He keeps on licking and sucking and licking and sucking to the point that her ear is literally dripping. People around them are getting squeamish. Not only because of the behavior but also because when he’s sucking on her ear he’s making a repulsive noise. His friends keep telling him to stop and the other patrons are very restless and most likely have called 911 but he keeps doing it. Yea, that would get him arrested.
Picture this: Zoey is a beautiful girl in her twenties. She’s 5’7”and has beautiful reddish brown hair with blonde highlights. She’s an outdoorsy girl and dresses the part. She enjoys her job as a Tortoise Whisperer. She has a conservative sized home and her car is environmentally friendly. She does what she can for the earth and society as a whole. She’s kind but also very independent and yes, she can be stubborn as well. Yet most of the time she’s fairly reserved. She will however, get involved if someone is treating another unjustly. She is not one who is going to allow someone to treat her badly. She doesn’t look for trouble; mostly. She just wants to go about her business and not be bothered. Zoey enjoys going to animal friendly establishments such as the local pet stores. She recently went to Smart Pet to get some of her favorite treats. She decided to walk around the store and see everything they had. As she was wandering, she found herself needing to well, uh, poo. At home she has a door that goes right outside where she poos. Being away from home and needing to go has never happened and she really wasn’t sure what to do. She saw wipes and poo bags on the shelf that she figured were for such situations but she was sure she could hold it so she kept on shopping. She found the cutest chew toys that were ropes with tennis balls on them. And if Zoey loved one thing in life it was tennis balls. It’s what she lived for. As she was deciding which toy she wanted, she realized she couldn’t hold it any longer. Without warning, she arched her back a bit and pooped; right there in isle 3 in front of the tennis ball ropes. She felt so much better. She walked a few steps and realized she wasn’t done. She arched again and finished. Whoa! She felt so much better. Of course she peed a bit too so she was ready to continue shopping. As she started walking around again, she noticed people staring and pointing at her. The manager was at the end of the isle and told her to leave and never come back or he’d call the police. She was so sad and just couldn’t believe that all those people were being so mean. When she poops at home, no one ever flips out on her. Yea, that’d get her arrested.
Picture this: Crispie is an outgoing 35 year old woman. She’s roughly 5’4” and has chocolate brown hair. She’s very fit and knows she’s a beautiful woman but doesn’t flaunt it. She’s a bit stuffy at times, not because she’s stuck up but because she’s extremely independent and sort of a loner. The company Crispie works for is a large corporation. They always have an amazing New Year’s party. Crispie is excited about attending the party but promises herself she will not hang with anyone who drinks and makes a fool of themselves. That’s not what she’s about. Crispie walks into the party wearing a gorgeous teal floor length gown. It looks as if it was made for her and her hair color. She sees several people from other corporate offices but walks by hoping to find someone she knows. She can’t seem to find anyone and realizes she’s really hungry; it’s way past her normal eating time so she finds her seat. When she sits down a waiter brings her a plate of food. She’s so excited that she stands up and turns in circle after circle and whines a bit. She is absolutely thrilled and has no idea why people are looking at her. She decides they’re just nosy. Once Crispie fills up she decides to walk around. She sees a few of her colleagues walk in. She runs over jumps on them and starts humping their leg because, again, she’s so happy. She jumps down and does more “I’m excited” circles then jumps on them again and again while randomly humping their legs. From one to the other. She sees more coworkers come in and runs over to them going in a circle around them, whining, jumping and humping on them too. She’s so excited she can’t stay quiet. She starts telling them how happy she is to see them but they can’t understand her. By this time, the resort managers have shown up and are trying to contain her. She has no clue what they want but she’s happy to see them too so she jumps on both of them but only humps on one of them. At this point there is quite a crowd gathering around. She just wants everyone to know how happy she is to see her friends. She continues to alternate happy circles with jumping on her people. She doesn’t get why they are so uptight so she walks to the door, squats to pee, and starts walking home. Yea, that would get her arrested.
For years I’ve said I want to be like my dogs. They have that unconditional love that they give so freely. They don’t hold grudges; ever. Most of the time they welcome any new member into their pack. They want nothing more than to please us, be loved, and fed. They bite their nails, jump on people, sniff butts and crotches, poop in stores, whine when they’re happy, lick mouths, suck up drool, and have many other inappropriate behaviors. I’m thinking that when I say I want to be like my dogs I need to clarify that I mean attitude not behaviors. I’ve no desire to get arrested.