I read an article that said if you’re writing a blog you should be able to identify yourself as an expert in some area. So I decided to write about the process of getting your dog into movies, the training they need, and how easy it is to do it. I’m totally kidding. I don’t know %$#@ about that. I do however, think the whole be an expert thing is funny. Talk about taking the enjoyment out of writing. I mean when I decided to start writing about dogs it was purely for fun because I love dogs and ours make me laugh. That’s it. No expert stuff. No product reviews. No training tips. Actually, we could use some training tips for our own dogs, which you already know if you’ve read my other blogs (you’ve read it right?). Of course I hoped (and still do) that my stuff would get read (please share the site), but I never thought about any expertise. I just wanted to have fun, tell some funny stories (they are right?) with the hope that others would find them funny too (please share the site again. Please!). With that said, since I have zero information to offer on what I do know about training, I decided to tell you what I don’t know about training. I can own that every dog in my house needs training. Each one has something they do that absolutely drives me insane and that I just can’t fix. Ok, maybe I could learn but I’m writing about it instead and I’ll be honest, this is way more fun!
I can’t fix this: Jax bites his toe nails. Yea I know; I couldn’t believe it either. I didn’t even know that nail biting was a thing in dog world. The first time I saw him do it I assumed he had something in his paw but when I checked it the only thing I found was that his nails were really short. I knew we’d never cut his nails, I’d always figured that was from him running. Nope. I have a nail biter; but why? I mean is he worried that his pee spot in the yard will be taken? Or that his collar makes him look fat? Is he anxious from wondering if Zoey likes Ryder better than him? I’ve no idea what makes him do it but it’s definitely weird to me. I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Our dogs don’t know how to stay or wait. I tell Jax to wait and he looks at me like I’m six crayons short of a box. He knows he’s supposed to do something but he doesn’t know what. Actually, he may think I’m supposed to do something and he doesn’t know what. I’m not really sure what goes through his head but he’s not the only one. None of them have even 1/8th of a clue what wait and stay means and all of them look at me with the crayon box look. Ryder at least looks at me like he’s trying to understand. Crispie however, doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist and Zoey just wants to play. No, our dogs don’t know stay or wait but, they’ll sit like no other. That’s something. I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Ryder barks. Duh right? Every dog barks. Ryder barks at things that he can’t see, maybe he can’t even hear it but he barks at it. That’s not such a bad thing you say? Hah! That’s because he hasn’t taken several years off your life with his barking. You see, he’s a cling on so he’s always very close to me. However, when he throws out these random barks it seems that he’s always right behind me or next to me and I’m never prepared. It always scares the crap out of me. I’m a very jumpy person and having him bark in my ear has given me a vertical leap that would rival most NBA players. So, I’ve tried to stop him by using commands, hand signals, patience, and a long heart-to-heart talk; none of which worked. I know his job is to bark but next to my ear? Every damn time? I mean, I’m running out of underwear from him scaring the crap out of me! I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: The dogs wanting ice. Ok, maybe Marc and I should take a little responsibility here. We bought a new refrigerator and it has an ice dispenser in the front of the door. When using it you need to give it a second or two, once you’re done, to give the ice flap a chance to close. If you don’t, sometimes ice will fall on the floor after you’ve walked away. No biggy though because we have dogs and they’ll clean it up. Sure enough, they’d rush over and get the ice. We thought it was funny when they started getting excited at the sound of the ice dispenser and that they’d run over to whoever was using it. They would just stand there with that pleeezzzz look on their face so of course we gave them ice. Major bad move! Now, every freakin’ time they hear the ice dropping they run to the frig. No joke. I’ve even tried getting ice from the actual ice machine inside the frig so it’s quieter. Nope, they still know. The worst part of this whole thing is they know what ice in a cup sounds like so if you’re drinking and the ice clanks they want it. I know that doesn’t sound so bad but picture this: I’m drinking from a cup with no lid, as I tip the cup to get a drink the ice clanks, I know Jax is by me but I’m not looking at him, that is until he licks the bottom of my cup with his two feet long tongue (obviously thinking he can get ice) which tips the cup back even more and my water pours down the front of me. I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Blaze is jumpy. Actually, that’s putting it mildly; anxious paranoia is more accurate. I’m talking more paranoid than a stoned teenager at a Policemen’s Ball. Do they even have those anymore? Anyway, you get the picture. Blaze’s anxiety started when he was just over a year and I’ve felt bad for him since. It’s sad that anything, literally, can scare him. A plate, shoe, grocery bag, hair brush, apple, door, leaf, leash, blanket, see where I’m going here? Yes, everything scares him. Like I said, I feel bad for him but I also feel bad for me. I mentioned that I’m a bit jumpy. Hey, I never realized that Blaze and I have that in common. Ok, Blaze being jumpy + me being jumpy = years off both our lives. Some many times when he jumps he scares the crap out of me. Seriously. I literally cannot count the number of times I’ve accidentally scared him and had him scare me because he was scared. Now that’s a twisty sentence. If I’m picturing the scaring in my mind it’s damn funny. When it’s happening to me, not so funny. This too is hard on my underwear count! I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Zoey barks at our tortoises. I don’t mean a woof, woof I see you bark. No, not Zoey. She’s all about if you’re going to do something do, it right. So, she barks and barks and barks incessantly at them. She doesn’t stop; E V E R! I make her come inside. I yell. I tell her she can’t get them. We had a really good talk, just us, where I explained that her barking not only gets on my last nerve but it also causes my blood pressure to soar; quickly. Nothing works. She wants to get them. I’m assuming she just wants to play with them; likely only until they stop moving. I hate making her stay inside because she likes going to hang outside sometimes so that’s not an option. I won’t use a shock collar. Having her de-barked did cross my mind but no I can’t do that either. I’ve threatened that I’m going to send her to the “farm” that so many family dogs go to but you can’t visit-I’m kidding, mostly. The barking makes me crazy (yes more than usual), causes me anxiety, and I’ve noticed an increase in the amount of my gray hair! There’s only so much hair dye in the world. She must stop! You know, I don’t believe she understands the ginormous amount of stress her barking causes me. Well, actually she probably does understand but it’s more likely that she just doesn’t care. I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Crispie. Yes, that’s it; I can’t fix Crispie. Fine I’ll elaborate. I absolutely love her but she’s so stubborn and independent. I think I’ve mentioned that she’s a cat in a dog’s body. I swear she deliberately ignores me, well she ignores everyone really; so it’s not like I’m special or anything. If she could talk her favorite saying would be “suck wind.” Or she’d just flip the bird at everyone. She will get part way in your lap; yea, when it’s time to eat. When I talk to the other dogs or call their name, they at least acknowledge me by looking at me. No, not Crispie. She doesn’t even try to act like she cares. She has this trick that makes me want to pull my hair out. If she’s laying on the sofa and she needs to move, I’ll tell her that and I get the ignoring stuff. I can say it over and over and still no recognition from her that I even exist. However, when I walk toward her to help her off the sofa she waits until I’m three or four feet from her and then she gets up. I know! So rude. I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Snoring. The dogs not Marc. For so long it was just the big dogs that snored. Now Crispie has decided to get in on it. My boy Benson snored louder than any human I’ve ever heard. No exaggeration. Crispie isn’t that bad but she’s getting louder. Jax snores and that’s one big snout he has. When he really gets going, the windows shake and I get scared I’m going to vibrate out of bed. And waking them up doesn’t work like it does with people. Trust me I’ve dried so many times. Jax can wake me up with his snoring. Crispie keeps me awake with hers. It’s very frustrating that there’s no trick to stopping them. I mean when Marc snores I just poke his arm and he rolls over; that works! I could wake the dogs up, take them outside, have them play for 30-minutes, take them back to bed and as soon as they sleep the snore horns start. I can’t fix this.
I can’t fix this: Marc. Oh wait, that’d take too long.
Well, as I knew, and I’m assuming you all suspected, I’m not an expert. I can’t get Jax to stop biting his nails, can’t get the dogs to stay or wait, can’t stop Ryder from barking (and scaring the crap out of me), can’t stop them from wanting all the ice, can’t stop Blaze from being anxious (and scaring the crap out of me), can’t stop Zoey from barking endlessly at the tortoises, can’t stop Crispie from being Crispie, and I can’t stop the snoring. I’m pretty sure that’s enough “can’t” to convince anyone that I’m not a trainer, not an expert. I actually can fix that; but most likely, I won’t.