Farts. A word that often causes laughter for no apparent reason. The idea of air coming out of a person’s rear is mostly laughable because we’ve all been in the position to have a fart make some pretty crazy noises upon exit. Sometimes you can do things just right, so they’re stealth and quietly slide out. Then there are the ones that are so loud you’re certain the neighbors heard it and probably think it was an earthquake. Other times, they sneak out. You’re totally unaware that a fart is going down the slide that ends at your butt. Well you’re unaware until it happens; but by then it’s too late. You don’t even have time to hope it’s silent and not smelly. It’s after the fart has made the escape that your sphincter catches up. Realizing that it missed its cue, it tries to make up for it by clinching like its holding in prisoners. It’s gone though, the fart has escaped and there’s no bringing it back. You simply have to deal with the aftermath.
What made me want to write about farts? Our dogs! I don’t know if “want” is the correct word; “need” seems more accurate because the dogs are killing me. As you know, we have seven of them in the house right now. Five of our own and two mini fosters. Let me tell you, whether it’s the six pound Chihuahua or the 170 pound Mastiff, their farts smell equally horrendous. I try so hard not to call them out on their farts because I don’t want to embarrass them, but I also don’t want them blamed on me. I can see Jax slowly look around when he lets out gas that is equal to a nuclear bomb. He thinks he’s being sly; if he looks around like it wasn’t him then all the others will wonder who it actually was. Well I’ll be damned if I’m taking one for the team in that situation. I mean I’m all for teamwork and looking out for family; but no way am I going to let even my dogs think I just expelled a gas cloud that’s both offensive and aggressive and wreaks havoc on my senses. I’m just not doing it. So yea when farts are of the extreme nature, I point right at the dog it came from so everyone in the room knows it was them and not me.
You might be wondering if we’ve had the dogs checked by the vet and if we have tried different foods. We have. We have. We have. We’ve seen and talked to the vet and oh-my-gosh yes we’ve tried like 781 kinds of food. Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but it feels like that many. We have tried cheap food, middle of the road priced food, expensive food, and holy crap that’s expensive food. We’ve tried vitamins and supplements. We’ve tried adding veggies and other foods. I don’t know how many “slow eating” bowls we own; I think we’ve tried every size available. We’ve tried Bean-O and Pepto-Bismol. We have tried everything possible but I’m telling you, nothing works. They’re just farty dogs.
The air issue is mostly the Labs and the Mastiffs. They sound like gangs huh? And both breeds are known for “stomach problems,” i.e. knock you out gas. Isn’t it funny that when you search for information about the breeds it literally says “known for stomach upset,” but if you read a bit further is says bloating and gas? Like they’re luring you in by insinuating it’s a rare bout of heartburn. Just state it as it is: They freakin’ fart! See, I’d like to be the one who writes about their stomach problems because I’d make sure my information was not misleading and I’d let people know that there are times that one of their farts will test your gag reflex. Anyway, Blaze is the old man Lab and let me tell you, he is the poster child for Lab “stomach upset.” Last week he was on the floor by me and I heard a very small puff of air. I braced myself for the stench that I knew was about to engulf me but nothing happened. Within two minutes I heard it again but this time a bit longer. I was so excited because he was farting but they didn’t stink! I mean that is a jump on the table, do the Macarena, and write it on the calendar type celebration. I kept working on my laptop and these farts just kept coming but they were getting more intense in length yet still NO smell. Simply air out his butt; that I can handle. I actually said out loud, “Why can’t you fart like that all the time?”
Now I have to admit something that I’m not proud of but given the circumstances you may understand. Or I may just be reassuring you that I’m crazy. So Blaze was nonstop air evacuation. I actually felt bad for him but was glad he was getting it out and so very thankful that it wasn’t offensive. But, it amazed me. Really. I just kept hearing “swoosh.” Some swooshing went on longer than other swooshes but the whole thing was so bizarre. I mean, Blaze is afraid of his own farts but he never moved. As a whole it was quite a remarkable scene. What do we do in the age of Smart Phones when we see something out of the ordinary? We record it. I’m a bit ashamed that I had such an urge to record him farting. Not so I had something to watch later for entertainment. I mean I’m messed up but not that messed up yet. I’ll tell you though, I sat here listening and watching and asking myself, “Is it really that weird?” Then I found myself justifying the idea because I simply wanted to have a recording to show my husband. And my inner conversation continued, “So I want to record my dog’s farts. I only want to do it so I can show Marc.” Yea, like that makes it less weird. I knew he’d never believe the sheer volume of what was happening nor would he believe they didn’t stink. Yes I know you can’t smell on video but you get what I mean. After all the mind talking, I didn’t record the farts. But, after that story, you’ve just got to have a sense of what a huge part of my life farts are. Wow, that didn’t sound weird at all!
Of course I love my dogs but I would love for them not to fart on such an All-Star level. I mean I get that it happens. I’ve blown out a seam a time or two but they do it constantly. If I farted anything like Jax does I would not only be embarrassed, I’d be exhausted too. I’d also have to have a fart room. Seriously, I’d never be able to leave my house and yes, I’d have a fart room. I’d live in the fart room or at least spend the majority of my time there. I could not subject Marc and our kids to such intense and relentless clouds of nasty. Between me and the dogs it’d be a Haz-Mat area. Thankfully it’s only the dogs; at least for now. You know, with so many of them, it’s ‘round the clock eye watering butt air and it’s always offensive. Blaze’s thing was a totally isolated incident, unfortunately. You know, I feel like the massive amounts of dog excreted gas that surrounds me, is the universe offering me my Karma for some unforgivable act that I don’t know I did. Whatever it was had to be pretty horrible. While I’m on the topic, I don’t need any more fart karma so I’m going to apologize for maybe grossing you out, causing you to throw up in your mouth or if you were eating while reading this.
Blaze’s “It wasn’t me” face