Hi Humans. Grandma said I should write a letter like everyone else has. I didn’t think she was going to have me write one but now I can’t escape from it. Get it? Escape from it. That’s a bit of dog humor. Well ok then, let’s move on. I’m Crispie. I’m a gorgeous, almost 8-year-old, Chocolate Lab. I’m the youngest of the girls; there is only Zoey (my sister) and me and I’m only a week younger but that counts. I also have three brothers, a foster sister and a foster brother. Grandma says I’m a lot like a cat and I’m not sure if that’s bad or good. She said I control what goes on with me. Well duh, who else is going to do it? She said I let people know when I want them to pet me, that I’m independent, and that if I don’t want to be around people I go hide. Duh again! I think she just doesn’t get it but I obviously can’t explain it so I just leave it alone.
I’ve been with my dad, grandpa, and grandma since I was a few months old. Zoey got here the same time I did. She’s not really my sister. I can’t remember what our relationship thing is called. Let’s see, her mother is my grandma’s sister. No, wait her mother is my sister. No that’s not right either. My dad is her mom. Her mom is my dad’s sister. Right! Yea ok so that makes Zoey my cousin and her mom is my aunt. That’s it, now I remember. I’m not even going into how me and the boys are related. It doesn’t matter anyway because girls are much more important than boys. Don’t worry, the boys know it’s true too. We all get along really good. Ryder is a pain in my tail sometimes and when he starts bugging me, I quickly let him know he’d best leave me alone. I can wrestle him and Jax at the same time! Yup, they know it too because they’ll run from me. It’s pretty funny because Jax is huge and Ryder is getting huge. We do have lots of fun though; when I want to.
Grandma said to tell you about my um eating problem. No, I don’t starve myself. I don’t overeat. Actually, my weight is good. I’m pretty muscly which is why I can take on both boys. Anyway, by eating problem I think grandma meant that I have eaten a few things that maybe I shouldn’t have. When I was little I was eating the cord to the sewing machine and holy dog poo it bit me back. It not only bit me but it threw me. How messed up is that? I understand wanting to bite me back but to throw me? Really? And, it put a hole in my mouth. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t think any of that was necessary. Then dad said not to do that again because I could get electrocuted and die. Uhh ok, thanks for that tip Captain Obvious. I already knew I was never going to do that again. I also have had two rock episodes. Yes, I said rock. The first rocks I ate made my belly hurt so grandma took me to the doctor cause I didn’t want to eat. He said the rocks would pass. I didn’t know what that meant but I figured it out really fast. I tried to poop and oh my, that hurt. I’m not talking about the, “Oh an ant bit me kind of pain. Nope. I’m talking about the, “Holy dog poop, I just had a horse kick me in the head, bite off my tail, and sit on me,” kind of pain. The unimaginable pressure of needles trying to escape out my rear end. And then it gets to that one spot where I have no control over it. I’m trying to keep it in because my exit lane is in so much pain. But I can’t. I’ve already made the commitment and I just have to push it out. Suck it up and get it out as quickly as possible without screaming and scaring the neighbors. I was sure I was going to pass out. Also, it was so horrible that yes I wished I could pass on that whole event. So yea, I figured out what the doctor meant by pass. Now the second time I ate a rock was a whole different story. Sure you could say I’m not a quick learner because I did it twice, but here’s what you don’t know. The first rocks were pretty gravel from the yard. The second rock was called river rock and it’s in the dog run. Now, if you don’t know the difference, the gravel stones are different shapes and a little sharp (trust me on that). River rock is oval, and smooth. So see I’m not dumb; I chose the smooth rock this time so that when I had to pass it, it wouldn’t hurt. Well, that kind of back fired (no pun intended). Sure it was smooth. Unfortunately, it was much too big to pass through my poop chute. So, back to the doctor we went and I swear if the doctor said “it’ll pass,” I was gonna be out the door fast. But this time the doctor had to take it out of my belly. Ok, ok, I learned my lesson that time and I’m done eating rocks.
I also ate the garbage a lot of times. Hey, I only ate the good stuff! I can’t help it if my family put yummy stuff in there and then left it where I could get to it. Who’s dumb now? Right? I’m certainly not going to miss out on an opportunity. I’m not stupid (previous rock stories aside)! Unfortunately, grandma moved the garbage cans and now there’s no way for me to get them. So, once she did that, I had to figure out a new way to get the people food that I wasn’t allowed to have. No! I’m not bad or a brat. I consider it a brain building exercise; trying to figure out how to get to the food is like a puzzle. And yes, I solved it. The food cabinet was so easy to open. All I had to do was get my nose or hand behind the door and it opened. You wouldn’t believe the things we got to eat. We had all kinds of cereal, bread, crackers, chips and pretzels, hamburger buns and I can’t remember what else but there was a lot. Side note here, I’m guessing that in a different story grandma told you we have baby locks on the kitchen cabinets. She did that so I couldn’t open the cabinets anymore. Well, that didn’t work because I could still get that cabinet open enough to grab the bread or cereal or anything else close to the door. Sure we didn’t have as much to choose from but we still got some people food. I’m also a really good counter surfer. That’s what grandma and grandpa call me. I used to laugh because grandma and grandpa would put food on the counter in the very farthest spot so none of us could get it. Yea like that’s gonna work! Or they’d set it in the sink for the same reason. Guess what? It didn’t work! I could get it from both spots. I’m not sure how I did it because I am short but I can really stretch. Now, I don’t have much interest in doing any of these things. I’m a little older and I don’t feel like wasting all that energy; even for people food.
I’m a healthy girl but dang my ears drive me crazy. I’ve had surgery on both ears. I get really bad ear infections and then, get this, each of my ear flap things have swelled up big but at different times. Each time it looked like I had a fat ravioli stuck on the flap. How do I know what ravioli looks like? From back in the garbage days. Back to my ears. When the ravioli stuff happened my doctor had to sew the inside of my ear flapper. Two times I had to go through that. I’m really glad I don’t have more ears. The surgeries weren’t the worst part. The worst part was that I had to wear this dumb thing over my head. It is the stupidest thing ever. It’s plastic and looks like an upside down lamp shade. Yes, I had to wear a lamp shade on my head and I wasn’t even drunk! Wearing it is bad enough but that thing is like two times wider than my head and body. You know what that means? It means you run into walls, chairs, cabinets, people, and doors. I swear when you have that thing on stuff just jumps out of nowhere and you run into it. It’s a really bad trick. And, there was this one time when grandma was going outside and I ran to go with her. Well, I didn’t allow enough room for the lamp shade and bang, into the wall. It knocked me right on my tail. And this didn’t just happen once, this happened a lot. I felt so stupid. I can open cabinets with locks on them but can’t get around with that thing on my head. Oh, and then, I’ve got this huge lamp shade going on and grandpa sets my food dish on the floor. Oh sure. Let me get right on that. How the heck did he expect me to do that? I may not be able to talk but I’m pretty sure grandpa knew what I was thinking because he picked the bowl up and held it so I could eat. No, he’s not a rocket scientist by any means. This lamp thing was also a pain in the tail when I tried to sleep. I don’t know who thought this thing was a good invention but that person should have to wear one all day, every day. Sleeping was horrible with that thing on and remember, they gave me pain medicine that made me tired. I’d lay my head down and it crunches. Plus, it’s like I can’t lay flat. My collar was twisted, plastic is around my head, I felt like I was sleeping on gravel and all I wanted was for it to pass.
I like this writing stuff so we’ll talk again soon,